Speak the word 'Father' with great care
by Minkey222
Summary: When Merlin wakes up with a pounding headache and sharp pains from his leg, he thinks. What on earth happened last night? Warnings for self harm
1. Chapter 1

**This is a one shot, m'thinks. But I think I will add another chapter explaining why Merlin would do this, so basically the night at the tavern. m'kay? Well enjoy!**

 **Warning: Self-Harm**

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Merlin woke up to the early morning sun pouring in through the window. His head pounded. He knew that he had been to the tavern with Gwaine the previous evening, but he didn't remember drinking that much. He knew the consequences of drinking too much, so he chose to abstain from drinking. Well that is until Gwaine gave him his infamous puppy dog eyes and practically _begged_ him. So he was essentially forced to go.

Merlin tried to sit up. His head throbbed, from what he assumed was an immense hangover, and his face itched under long since dried tear tracks. _Why was he crying that evening?_ Merlin thought to himself. He couldn't remember. No matter how hard he tried he could not piece together the fuzzy and hazy memories from the previous night. All he could do for now is hope that he hadn't cried in front of his friends. If he had he would never be allowed to live this down.

He sat further up and took notice of his hands. They were covered in blood. Oh Gods? What has he done now. He was holding a small knife, his knife, in his right hand. It was also smeared in long dried blood, probably the same as the blood forming a crust on his hand. Oh no. It couldn't be that again? Could it? He looked down at his exposed wrists. No new cuts or scars. Only the healed scars from hen he had first moved to Camelot. Watching someone being executed, someone like him, was not a fun experience.

he tried to swing his legs over the side of the bed. His right leg went first, then the left. Gods. The blood was everywhere. On his bed clothes, on his sheets, even sunken into the shallow mattress. Then the pain came. As soon as his left leg touched the floor, the pain hurtled towards him. It shocked and scared him. It hasn't been like this for a long time. The source of the blood appeared to be coming from the left leg of his breeches.

He carefully peeled back the rough fabric of his breeches, wincing slightly as the blood seeping from his wounds had dried and then bound the fabric to his skin, to reveal his newly mutilated leg. He breathed in deeply and then out again. _What was he going to do?_ It had been years, almost a decade, since this last happened. It happened a lot in Ealdor, when people had picked on him for being the strange, bastard child that nobody wanted to play with, well of course, except for Will. It also happened quite a bit when he had first moved to Camelot. The threat of death every day, whilst being lectured about how everything you were was evil and that you are just a freak and a monster, plus having a stupid destiny constantly nipping at your heels and just being a big weight on his shoulder, it was bound to happen eventually. But ten he had become close to Arthur, and Arthur's pain became his pain. Merlin doing this would hurt Arthur so he stopped.

He glanced again at his leg, breathing in sharply again. He called for Gaius, perhaps he could help him. The old physician hobbled in, half asleep, but as soon as he saw what his young ward had done, he was shocked into action. He quickly knelt at the young man's bed side and muttered to himself. _Not again._ The wounds were deep, much deeper than they ever had been before. Something bad must have happened, to make him _this_ upset. Gaius was about to question his ward when he saw his face. Merlin was just as shocked as he was. "Gaius, what happened last night?"

"I don't know m'boy." was all Gaius answered.

Something must have happened. He wouldn't do this to himself for no reason what so ever. Gaius must have noticed something last night. When he was drunk his ability to hide his emotions were impaired and therefore he was an open book.

Merlin and Gaius sat there in silence. Gaius was tending to Merlin's self inflicted wounds and Merlin, well, Merlin was trying to recall any memories what so ever.

Their silence was broken when a large bang from the main room was followed by a very angry Arthur. He was late but he couldn't help it, he was wounded after all. Arthur stared straight at him through the two open door in Arthurs path. He could tell that Arthur was angry but as soon as he laid his eyes upon the large white bandages on Merlin's exposed left leg, his anger trickled away and was replaced with concern.

"Merlin!" Arthur practically shouted "What on earth happened?" The concern was apparent in Arthurs voice

Merlin looked into the Arthur's eye.

"Arthur" Merlin croaked. He was trying to make up a lie so that he wouldn't have to explain anything to Arthur.

"I... I tripped. Yeah. I slipped and fell and cut my leg." He lied, quite obviously.

Arthur started again. It was apparent that he was annoyed at his menservants' blatant lies.

"Merlin, what _actually_ happened?" Arthur asked. It was clear he wasn't going to leave until he had his answer.

"Arthur," Merlin managed to croak out. He could feel the prick of tears behind his eyes, but he wasn't about to cry in front of Arthur anytime soon. "I... did this to myself" He whispered, almost silently, but loud enough for Arthur to hear.

"WHAT!" Arthur shouted at the bandaged boy in front of him. The loud noise caused Merlin to flinch away, tears betraying Merlin as they were now flowing down his face freely. Arthur immediately regretted his idea of shouting at Merlin.

"What?" Arthur repeated himself, more softly this time. "Why would you do this?"He continued. Why would Merlin of all people do this to himself? Merlin was happy, wasn't he?

"I... I don't remember." Merlin replied sincerely. "It has been a long time since the last time! I don't remember why I did this. I'm sorry Arthur, so, so sorry" The words were tumbling out of his mouth freely and without his permission.

Arthur hesitantly walked to the bedside of his servant- friend- and knelt beside him. "What do you mean 'last time'?" Arthur asked. Merlin blubbered. "We need a long chat, Merlin."


	2. Chapter 2

**My little readers I have neglected you for far too long. I have just had a bit of writers block. Here is the long awaited chapter. Enjoy.**

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It was a regular night. Merlin had had a grueling day doing chores for the crown prince of Camelot. And sir Gwaine had finally convinced Merlin to join him for a night at the taverns. Merlin was reluctant, of course, because despite what Gaius and Arthur say he does not spend all his free time in the tavern. In fact he spends most of it trailing after Arthur and saving his life (secretly). But Gwaine had been insistent and given one of his signature smiles and forced Merlin to come with him.

Overall Merlin and Gwaine, along with some of the other knight and the king of Camelot were having a good time just drinking and talking and occasionally gambling and betting. That was until some touchy subjects came around. The convorsation had started innocently enough just chatting about battles they had fought in and injuries that they had gained. The chat was going well, with each of the knights sharing tales, until someone had the unfortunate idea to bring up the topic of Morgana and magical battles. With her most recent attack still fresh in their minds the mention of her did not bode well with Arthur. Arthur growled at her name, shouting how she was a 'traitor' along with the rest of her kind and how all magic wielders were evil. Merlin flinched at every word. Each syllable like a knife to the gut each condemning sentence like the knife being twisted. Merlin felt like he was going to cry, he could already feel the sharp pricking behind his eyes, but he would never cry in front of Arthur and the knights.

"Arthur, I don't think that magic is as bad as you're making it out to be." Merlin stated. Everyone looking at him with bated breaths. Merlin would have never have come right out and said this had he been in his right state of mind, but he wasn't so he just blurted out what ever he was thinking. Arthur snapped round to stare at Merlin.

"What?" Arthur asked exasperatedly.

"I mean surely there must be some good magic. I just don't think that magic could all be bad" Merlin stated.

Arthur looked like he had just been slapped with a cod fish.

"Magic? You think _magic_ of all things could be _good_?" Arthur asked, looking thoroughly disgusted.

"I just don't think that it could all be evil" Merlin said innocently.

"MY FATHER WAS KILLED BY MAGIC!" Arthur bellowed across the tavern, Merlin getting the full force.

"I'm sure it was an accident, that the sorcerer hadn't meant for the king to die..." Merlin trailed off. The death of the king had weighed greatly on his shoulder.

Arthur was glaring intently at Merlin, looking like he could murder Merlin right now.

"No, _Merlin_ , I think that the sorcerer wanted to kill my father!" Arthur had hushed his voice slightly, but was still shouting.

"But Arthur-" Merlin started but was promptly cut off by Arthur.

"No Merlin, you couldn't understand. You never knew your father. You were just a... just a stupid bastard from a tiny insignificant town. You're just a servant, nothing more!" He shouted. The tavern had gone eerily quiet. Arthur's face was red with rage and he was panting heavily.

Merlin felt like the knives that had been digging into his gut ripped too far and he felt like he had just been gutted. Each of the words bringing back bad memories, from Ealdor, from when he arrived in Camelot, when his father had died in his arms. He was forced to relive each on.

Arthur noticing how distraught his manservant- friend was instantly regretted everything that had just come out of his mouth. He could see that everything that he had just said cut deep.

"Merlin I'm-" Arthur started to apologize. Merlin's gaze hardened.

"No Arthur. I see how you truly feel about me." Merlin turned and left the tavern and a confused and upset Arthur in his wake.

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Merlin staggered back to his room. He slammed open the door to his and Gaius' shared chambers and drunkenly walked in. There were tears pouring down his face. He didn't notice Gaius asking if he was okay as he walked up the stairs to his bedroom. He shut the door behind him and locked it for good measure.

 _How dare he? How dare he say those things about me? About me, my mum, my home town, my PEOPLE! I'm not a monster am I? I'm not an evil freak like he says I am? Am I not a worthless bastard child from a little insignificant town? It's true. It's true isn't it._

Merlin thought these things over and over again. Thinking _He was right. What Arthur said was true._ Like a mantra in his head. He summoned forth his knife and started ti take out his sorrow and anger out on the long since scarred skin on his left leg. He kept making more and more cuts, destroying the skin, causing a lot of blood to stain him, his clothes, his bed, everything. Merlin was too upset to notice. He kept going until he started to loose consciousness due to the lack of blood. He was only awake long enough to get into bed. It was then that sleep welcomed him with open arms and drew him into a fitful sleep.


End file.
